30 Things I’ve Never Seen In A Yoga Studio

  1. I’ve never seen someone answer their phone to take a “work call” in the middle of a class
  2. I’ve never been told to “push on through” an injury
  3. I’ve never seen anyone crying with happiness to be back at a yoga studio (and it definitely wasn’t me)
  4. I’ve never heard a snore like a fucking thunderstorm during savasana
  5. I’ve never seen the teacher trying and failing for some time to wake that student up
  6. I’ve never seen a man’s testicle pop out of his shorts
  7. I’ve never wondered what’s with all the bra tops and criss-cross leggings with bows on
  8. I’ve never seen a student repeatedly leap up into handstand when the teacher cues a downward facing dog
  9. I’ve never seen a senior teacher at one of London’s premium yoga studios sigh exasperatedly when someone misinterpreted his cue
  10. I’ve never seen the same teacher laugh at someone’s attempt to get into a pose
  11. I’ve never seen the same teacher make his way round the room to adjust the best looking women in the room by grabbing onto their hips and bottom
  12. I’ve never heard anyone fart
  13. I’ve never seen a room full of £90 leggings and thought “that’s the essence of yoga”
  14. I’ve never been told that my liver is right now “detoxing” all the bad stuff in my body because I’m doing a sequence that involves twists
  15. I’ve never been told to notice the heaviness of my organs
  16. I’ve never been told to just notice my breath
  17. I’ve never told others to just notice their breath
  18. I’ve never seen anyone fall out of crow pose
  19. I’ve never seen anyone dislocate their shoulder
  20. I’ve never paid £16 for a group yoga class
  21. I’ve never walked out
  22. I’ve never tried to make the teacher my best friend because she is so wise and brilliant
  23. I’ve never said a prayer
  24. I’ve never been endlessly sad and also grateful
  25. I’ve never had an out of body experience
  26. I’ve never felt my mind mirroring my body and vice versa
  27. I’ve never felt like I had all the answers to everything because all the answers (and questions) were essentially the same thing
  28. I’ve never thought the £80 mat was worth it
  29. I’ve never felt full of love
  30. I’ve never worked it all out ...

But here’s hoping.