Rage is a red lesson

"I didn't ever really have to consciously think about my anger and how I expressed it until I became a mother and was every day confronted with some outrage that put me in touch with my rage. And I've had to figure out how to manage that, I've had to be mindful of those expressions in a way that I never had to before." - Cheryl Strayed

I’d spent a long few days away with my daughter and on the last day she was very tired and very shouty. I was exhausted too and had that deep longing in my bones to lie down and close my eyes and stay that way all day. (1. This is one of the reasons they call mothering “hard”. 2. Is it the making of us, all those times we can't lie down?)

All day I had fought that urge and all day I had not lost my patience, instead reverting to the dogged repetition of my tired old lines - yes I know you feel hungry right now. Yes I hear that you are tired. That’s a really loud scream, can you talk like I’m talking now, in this nice quiet voice? Shall we sit down and read that story? Shall I carry you or would you like to sit in the buggy? Hey maybe if we walk down this bit we’ll get an ice cream on the way back (running out of ideas right now.)

I managed it. I got her to bed without shouting or losing control, something I wouldn't have been able to have done previously. I was so frazzled afterwards that I consumed half a bottle of rose and a bowl of chips really really fast, but you win some, you lose some. I counted that day as a win and did what I never do, gave myself credit and recognised what I'd achieved.

Rage and frustration even in "calm" parents is real and regular but we are often ashamed of it because it doesn't sit comfortably with our vision of what "good mothers" should be. I feel a particular embarrassment to admit it because I somehow feel that as a yoga teacher I'm supposed to be calm and relaxed all the time, but of course I'm also a human (like that internet meme - "it's funny when I hear people say yoga people are supposed to be chilled. No, we're all here because we're nuts").